


Catharsis

by ArtemesiaHime



Category: SHINee
Genre: Author is working through emotions, Gen, Grieving, Heavy Angst, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-19
Updated: 2018-01-19
Packaged: 2019-03-06 22:21:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13420833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArtemesiaHime/pseuds/ArtemesiaHime
Summary: 3 times Taemin comforted his hyungs + 1 time they comforted him. (And all the hurt that comes from writing 3 and not 4).





	Catharsis

**Author's Note:**

> So, I wrote this to work through all the emotions I felt when Jonghyun died. I hope I don't offend anyone with this because it's honestly my way of coping. I don't pretend to know anything about how the members are feeling. This is barely edited. One day I'll come back and fix the mistakes and edits and whatnot, but for now I needed to get this off my chest.

1.Onew

Onew sat on the couch staring blankly at nothing. The funeral was over, the three public days of mourning had ended, and he felt empty. The oppressive silence made of grief and sorrow and  
loss pushed down heavily on him. He supposed, as leader, he should be doing something to help his members, but honestly, who could he help? Clearly, no one, was the answer. If he had been a  
better leader, a better friend, a better brother, then none of this would be happening. He wouldn’t be sitting here missing one fifth of his soul.

And he knew, knew that some of their fans would blame him for this, that or the other, but realistically no one could blame him more than he blamed himself. Jonghyun’s music had always been  
a direct reflection of him, and, although he had tried talking to the other boy after the release of Lonely, End of Day, and Breathe, this was still the end result. Jonghyun’s smile, his warmth, his  
comfort, him, everything was now gone from this world. All because of his failure.

 

Unbeknownst to Onew, tears began sliding down his cheeks. Faster and faster they slid down until the man was full out sobbing and gasping for breath. So caught up in his self-flagellation he  
was, that he didn’t feel the cushions sink down, indicating another’s presence. He only opened his eyes when he felt soft, lithely muscular arms wrap around him. Blinking a bit to clear his vision,  
he looked at Taemin before sinking into the embrace.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I failed him and all of you. I’m sorry. It should have been me.” Onew gasped.

 

Taemin shushed him gently. “You didn’t fail us. We are still here. We don’t blame you. We need you same as we always have, if not more. We are here. You are here. Never ever say you shouldn’t be. We love you.”

Taemin clutched his hyung closer. Images of Jinki at the funeral procession, pale and stoic, hiding underneath his fringe and looking like he was on the verge of either vomiting, fainting, or both. 

“You did so well, Leader-ssi. Key wouldn’t have made it through the funeral without you, and Minho was only strong because you were. I was able to do what I needed because you guided me through. You took such good care of us and still are. Let me take care of you now.”

As if Taemin’s permission was all he needed, Onew truly began sobbing. Deep, loud, sounds that were dragged from his soul as he finally mourned the loss of his kindest dongsaeng. And through it all Taemin let his eldest brother hold on to him, kept him anchored so neither would be swept away in what seemed to be an unending sea of bereavement. 

 

2 Key

Key didn’t know what to do as he sat in the bathroom on the toilet seat. Everything was bleak and wrong and awful. He had gone into the bathroom to brush his teeth and shower, but he had taken one look at Jonghyun’s toothbrush sitting in its same place, and it had hit him all over again. Jonghyun was dead. His best friend and brother no longer there. With that painful revelation, he had mindlessly grabbed the bottle of sleeping pills given to them by their manager to help them through the nights, intending to only take one, when an intense longing to join his other half had struck him.

Which was why he was now sitting there, fiddling with a bottle that was supposed to help him find peace for a few hours. Key snorted at his own thoughts. It would be so easy to take a few too many, to make that peace permanent. To join Jonghyun and leave behind the suffering and sorrow his passing had wrought. 

Just as he steeled himself to begin taking the pills, Taemin opened the door. Silently, the maknae looked from Kibum to the bottle, and back again. 

“Hyung, do what you feel you must, but know that I will not survive losing another brother. If you take your life, you take mine too.” Taemin stated quietly, before backing out of the bathroom and returning to his bedroom.

Key stared at the door for a good two minutes before dropping the bottle like it had burnt him. Standing on shaking legs, he stumbled his way to Taemin’s room before collapsing on top of the younger boy. 

“I would never. I promise, I won’t ever.” He cried into his youngest brother’s chest.

Taemin smiled hollowly as he ran a hand through his hyung’s hair. “I know. It’s okay, I know. Even if you wanted to, you would never take us with you.” 

And it really would be all of them. Because Taemin would follow Key, and their precious leader would probably feel blame that didn’t belong to him. So Onew would follow Taemin, and Minho wouldn’t be able to stand on his own under those circumstances, so Minho would follow Onew. And that would be it. The end of SHINee. Taemin knew that Kibum would never allow that, could never leave the remaining members first, knowing what the consequences were.  
Sighing softly, he cradled his hyung, and distantly registered the moment the elder boy fell asleep. 

The next morning, Key woke up feeling, not good, but less like he was drowning. Quietly disentangling himself from a still sleeping Taemin, he went to his room. Looking a bit lost for a second, he went to his desk and pulled out a fresh piece of paper and began to write.

 

3 Minho

Minho was in the kitchen preparing dinner when Taemin came in and hopped up on the counter next to him. For a moment, Taemin watched the other man cook a meal that would be mostly poked at instead of eaten. He noted the stiff shoulders and the shaking hands.

“Yoogeun’s mom called earlier. She said he’s gone to sleep every night crying for his Jonghyun-appa.” Taemin commented, almost nonchalantly. 

Minho stiffened even more for a second before forcing himself to loosen up. “Our baby has his mom and dad to comfort him, so I’m relieved.”

Taemin quirked an eyebrow. “Relieved at what hyung?”

Minho’s knuckles turned white around the chopsticks he was clutching. He turned his head sharply to face the maknae as he snapped, “Glad he has someone to comfort him so he doesn’t have to suffer like this!”

Taemin sat patiently quiet, knowing that Minho’s outburst wasn’t the end.

“I had to greet people. Thank them for coming to our brother’s funeral while I was dying inside. I just wanted to lay down and cry and never get back up, but I had to keep on because he deserved the best sendoff we could give him. Every day, more and more idols come out with letters about how “sad” they are about Jjong’s passing and how they wished they had been better friends. But it’s all a lie. It’s just people who want to bite off this tragedy to boost their own fame and it’s all so fake that it makes me want to vomit. Every time I speak to anyone and accept their condolences or whatever they offer it feels like I’m swallowing glass or poison. And when I go to bed all I see in my dreams is my failure. I wake up and I feel guilty because part of me is so angry that he did this to us and then I feel everything all over again.” At this point his chest was heaving. 

“So, yes, Taemin, I’m glad that Yoogeun is young enough that he can still be comforted through things like this by his parents. That, while it hurts him, it’s nowhere near the level of our pain.

Taemin watched his hyung contemplatively before reaching over and turning the stove off. With the utmost care and tenderness, he pried the cooking chopsticks loose from Minho’s hand and guided the man so he was standing between Taemin’s legs. Minho looked shattered. He was twitchy with repressed emotions. 

“I love you, hyung.” Taemin stated simply, as he drew the other into a hug. Minho remained tense, like he was going to draw away any second, before sagging against his baby brother. He didn’t cry, but they remained that way, absorbing comfort, until Minho felt he could stand on his own again.

 

+1 Taemin

Taemin sat in the living room and scrolled through the SHINee twitter feed. It was weeks after the funeral and he still didn’t feel able to post, but he wasn’t tired (more accurately, he couldn’t sleep) and all of his hyungs were asleep. Taemin had comforted all of them, but he was a bit envious of their emotions because his just seemed…gone. However, seeing all of their fans post was a small drop of comfort in an ocean of darkness. It was funny in a way that was completely unfunny. The very fans who were expressing their worry and pity were the ones who ignored Jonghyun’s cries for help, but he didn’t blame them…much. And now, in the epitome of irony, Jonghyun’s solo works and SHINee’s albums had gained new heights on the music charts. It disgusted the young performer.

He sipped his mug of hot tea as he scrolled. Suddenly he sat up straight, nearly choking on his tea. Rubbing his eyes, he looked at the tweet again. From the day of the funeral it was a pearl aqua blue moon with the caption “Jonghyun showing us he made it and is happy.” 

Taemin stared at that tweet. He stared and stared and stared some more. As he continued to stare the numbness that had encased him since finding out Jonghyun was dead shattered. Gently, he placed his phone down and picked up the mug. He held it in his hand delicately for a second before suddenly hurling it as hard as he could at the wall. 

And once he started, he couldn’t stop. He flipped the table, threw the pillows, threw anything he could. With each thing he threw he started screaming. “Happy? You’re happy and okay? What about us?! What about the family you left behind? Your friends? Your fans? Are we happy? Are we okay?! No! No, we aren’t because you’re dead. You left us, left me!” 

Drawn by the noise, Onew, Minho, and Key rushed into the shared space and felt their hearts being torn apart by the despair and pain their beloved maknae was showing. 

“Taemin!” Minho exclaimed, but his voice was absorbed in the maelstrom of Taemin’s emotions.

The young performer ran to the balcony and screamed at the still slightly blue looking moon. “How could you?! We swore together forever. SHINee World forever and you just left! You decided all on your own to leave before us! WHY? WHY DID YOU LEAVE US BEHIND, GODDAMIT!” All at once his energy left him, and he collapsed to the floor, still shouting and screaming incoherently.

Softly, Onew wrapped his arms around Taemin, drawing him into his lap. Slowly, he rocked them back and forth as the others knelt on either side, also embracing their dongsaeng. 

Taemin, heedless of their attempts at comfort, began yelling again. “I’m SORRY! I’m sorry I needed you so much. I’m sorry I didn’t know how much you were suffering and I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me. I’m sorry I failed you, but please, please come back. I’ll work harder, do better. Give us another chance, hyung, please! I’ll do anything, give up anything, trade places with you, just please come back. Come back!” he wailed.

Exhausted, he wilted into the arms of his brothers. He continued to mumble, “come back” even as the arms around him tightened. 

Key couldn’t help the steady stream of tears that rolled down his cheeks. Taemin had been so strong during this whole ordeal, that he hadn’t realized how pent up the boy’s emotions were. But, then again, Key had seen the dead look in Taemin’s eyes, and figured it had only been a matter of time. Suddenly, wrapped up in their arms, Taemin looked a lot less like a man and more like the scrawny 11 years-old trainee who had come in and captured their hearts.

“Taemin-ah, it was not your fault. It wasn’t any of our faults.” Onew said fiercely. “We loved him the best that we could. He knew that we love him, that he’s our family. He was sick, baby. He was sick and in pain, and he fought so hard for so long that he just couldn’t anymore. Jonghyun didn’t want to leave us, didn’t want to make you cry or hurt you, but he wanted his pain to end. But, I swear to you Taeminnie, that he knows how much you love him.”

“But, hyung,” Taemin said desperately, pulling back to look his leader in the eye, “if I could have just one more chance I can make his pain stop. I can make it easier to bear.”

“Sweetheart, it doesn’t work like that and you know it.” Minho whispered, stroking Taemin’s silky, black hair. 

“It’s not fair!” Taemin exploded. “It’s not fair because - because Jonghyun-hyung made sure to come to my opening shows, made sure that Onew-hyung’s bullshit scandal was over, made sure SUJU sunbae-nims had their comeback, that all of our birthdays were celebrated, that everything was wrapped up. But he forgot.”

“Forgot what, baby?” Key asked, rubbing soothing circles on the distraught boy’s back.

“Forgot that he can’t wrap up his life with us that neatly. That I’ve lived with him in my life longer than I have without. That I legitimately don’t know how to not have him, or any of you, in my life. That all of you made me who I am today. That all of you make up a piece of my heart and soul and neither is complete without all of you.”

Onew blew out a breath before looking Taemin in the eyes. “Listen to me, all of you. He didn’t forget, and you won’t ever forget. He’s still a part of you. It hurts, all of us are hurting because we lost a member of our family. Things are going to be very hard for who knows how long. We are gonna wake up in the morning expecting to hear him singing in the shower or grumbling until he gets his coffee. We are going to perform on stage and look to his spot, expecting him to be there and he won’t be and it’s going to feel like a punch in the stomach. We will look at something and be reminded of him and it’s going to hurt all over again. People are going to ask us a million times about it and it’ll be like pouring salt into a deep, open wound. And we will be sad and be angry and probably cry a LOT more, but it will get better. And even if this was a horrible, devastating way of learning how to, we will communicate better. We will be better for each other because Jonghyunnie wouldn’t accept anything less.” 

Onew loosened his hold on Taemin to draw the others into a group hug. All of them were crying, but this time it felt a bit more like catharsis and a little less like grief was swallowing them whole.

“We will get through this. No matter how long it takes, we will get through this. SHINee is still 5 members, just one of them happens to be an angel now.” Key spoke determinedly. 

Minho nodded before standing up. “It’s cold. Let’s go back inside and get to bed, yeah?” 

Key and Onew nodded, but Taemin’s hands whipped out, grabbing Kibum and Minho. “I don’t…can we sleep in the living room?”

All three boys melted. They could all fill in the unspoken words, “I don’t want to be alone.”

“Of course, baby.” Key said, kissing the top of Taemin’s head.

Together, they pulled the two largest mattresses into the living room, and if, when Taemin came out with two of Jonghyun’s comforters, they all shed a few tears, well, no one could fault them.

As they lay tangled up in each other, one body indistinguishable from the next, surrounded by Jonghyun’s scent, they felt a little bit better. One night wasn’t going to fill the hole that Jonghyun’s death left, but it at least gave them the courage to face tomorrow. Perhaps, eventually, with each of them pressing their nose into Jonghyun’s scent and clutching each other, they would be able to remember their brother with more happiness than hurt. And one day, when it was time, Jonghyun would greet them. Would welcome them home to the place he had gone first to prepare with a smile and a “you did well”, and they would stand as five again.


End file.
